“Love is an untamed force, when we try to control it, it destroys us, when we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused.”
It was a casual morning start. I got up and headed to the dining area for breakfast & my favorite cup of black coffee. I got not much to do that day so I decided to clean my room. As I was polishing the wooden table across my bed, I had a glimpse on a book on it. It was written by a highly recognized author, Mr. Paulo Coelho. I finished doing my chores then grabbed the book entitled “The Zahir.” I was hesitant at first if I would relate to the story behind its pages because under the title are words that read “a novel of obsession.” I’ve never been obsessed, I thought. But I proceeded anyway. Well what is allotting some of your time to know what runs in this big-time-author’s head, right? But when I gradually dropped off from reality & started entering the world of Zahir, I developed an obsession, or maybe it has long been there before I knew it.
“We can harness the energy of the winds, the seas, the sun. But the day man learns to harness the energy of love, that will be as important as the discovery of fire.”
For the longest time, I’ve been wandering alone in this darkness I chose for myself. Repeatedly playing at the back of my head are soft and melancholic melodies. Right now, I am feeling a tinge of heat warming my pallid skin but it didn’t make me feel better inside. The slight sense of warmth just confirmed the frozen hollow space in me. I am standing nowhere; I can’t see anything but I am trying to run away from this emptiness, progressively stopping my slow breathing. I can’t escape; I’m stuck here & I can feel pieces of crystals fall from my eyes, stream down my pale cheeks. I’m singing out loud for help, maybe a hand could save me from this misery. There are voices; I can hear them promise to bring the light that I’m ready to see but I can’t trust them, they sound superficial. Finally, someone unties the cloth that has been wrapped around my eyes, now filled with tears. It is so sudden I can feel my eyes burn. It’s not just my abrupt escape from that painful night that’s blinding me. It’s the light in front of me, embracing me entirely, rapidly filling that empty space.
“I was confused I felt something like hope stirring inside me. Not that I knew what I was hoping for or where that hope had come from.”
Am I asleep & dreaming right now? Is this real? I continually ask myself. What?! You are confused with your own thoughts? This is worse than being alone in the dark. It feels so crazy to ask yourself questions about your emotions. It’s vague, maybe I’m just imagining. Whispers echo in my head & I let the arguments within me go on. I don’t have faith in what I’m feeling at this moment as I don’t believe stories I didn’t hear first hand. I don’t know. I am confused. I am so lost I want to just go somewhere else and find the keys. How would I prove the existence of these fragile & unexpected emotions? Where will I see painted pictures of my random thoughts that could give explanations to my life’s questions right now? I want to know. I need to feel. Do I need to be assured? My ideas are adrift, just like my spirit. I wish I could just return the blindfold anytime I want. But I don’t have power over myself anymore. Another soul is already holding mine and his overwhelming light is all I see in this sweetest darkness. He’s the only truth in this unknown haven, I want to follow wherever his light might take me.
“Love is a disease no one wants to get rid of. Those who catch it never try to get better, and those who suffer do not wish to be cured.”
His eyes are as bright as the stars; lips as red as the roses; voice as sweet as the sound of swinging bells. He is my wind, my unending mystery. But I’m just a little helpless damsel to him. He’ll doubtlessly return the cloth & cover my sight if I demand for it. He’ll fly away & leave me in the worthless shadows I’ve been in before. Still, I am choosing to let my heart get wounded rather than have a life without its sole meaning. I know how things are but this place is incredibly fascinating, I want to stay. I don’t know how to get myself back into the darkness which didn’t hurt this much. But no, I just don’t want to escape from his soul. Probably, all I want is to stay blinded by his presence & remain unseen from his seamless pair of sincere eyes. I won’t stop hoping forever but could anything last that long? Or would I just wake up one day accepting I’m too much of a burden to this angel’s wings? Would I ever free myself from this timeless bliss?
“Suffering occurs when we want other people to love us in the way we imagine we want to be loved, & not in the way that love should manifest itself- free & untrammeled, guiding us with its force & driving us on.”
I need to walk away & learn to live without him. I must find my own purpose: my light. I will discover my home & my love. Time will come when assurance won’t matter, just pure love. Hence, on my soul’s journey, I wish we cross again. On that day, I would know I have waited long enough for the light I found & let go. Until when I’m on this path is still a question but I swear to accept how love has changed the revolution of my life.
topsyturvyuniverseofosogusennaoj
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